Red Flags Before Marriage
Marriage is one of the most significant commitments a person can make. Much bigger than buying a house. For Christians, it’s seen as a lifelong covenant before God. While love and attraction are important, they’re not enough to sustain a healthy, God-honoring marriage. Recognizing potential red flags before saying “I do” can save individuals from heartache, conflict, and eventual divorce. It’s heart-wrenching to end a relationship. And it becomes even harder once you’ve started making a home and family together.
In this article, we’ll explore ten key red flags to watch out for before tying the knot. And we’ll use biblical principles and practical wisdom to do so. All in the hopes to guide Christian men and women in making a wise and prayerful decision about their future spouses.
1. Lack of a Strong Relationship with God
A Christian marriage should be built on a shared faith in Jesus Christ. If your potential spouse does not have a personal and growing relationship with God, this is a significant red flag. The Bible warns against being “unequally yoked” with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14). The same is true for individuals who follow a false gospel. Either can create spiritual division and hinder growth in your faith.
Related article: Christians Who Will Be Denied Heaven.
Warning Signs:
- They show little or no interest in prayer, Bible study, or church attendance.
- Their lifestyle and speech contradict biblical values.
- They pressure you to compromise your faith.
Why This Matters:
A strong spiritual foundation will help a couple navigate the challenges of marriage with godly wisdom and strength. If your partner is not committed to Christ, they may not support or understand the spiritual aspects of marriage, leading to conflict and disunity.
2. Poor Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
Communication is key to any successful relationship. We’ve all worked for a company where communication was lacking at best. Relationships are not exempt from these issues. If your partner struggles with open and honest communication, uses manipulative words, or refuses to address matters maturely, any of these could lead to serious problems in the future.
Please understand that, in most cases, poor communication and conflict styles will only get worse if they are not addressed and corrected early.
Warning Signs:
- They avoid difficult conversations or become defensive.
- They refuse to listen to your concerns.
- They use manipulation, silent treatment, or passive-aggressiveness.
Understand, this article is identifying red flags before marriage. In my article, Effective Communication Skills for Couples we discuss some effective communication skills to better your relationship if you got married before recognizing these signs.
Why This Matters:
1 Thessalonians 5:11 encourages us to use words that build one another up. If a couple can’t communicate effectively before saying “I do,” they’ll likely struggle with conflict resolution throughout their marriage.
3. Controlling or Manipulative Behavior
A healthy marriage is based on mutual respect and partnership, not control. If your partner exhibits controlling tendencies, this is a major red flag. Unfortunately, some will get caught up in the feeling of lust that they refuse to recognize this behavior as a problem.
If you know someone afraid to speak up for themself, consider sending them: 5 Ways to Confidently Speak with Authority
Warning Signs:
- They isolate you from friends and family.
- They make decisions for you without considering your input.
- They use guilt, fear, or manipulation to get their way.
Why This Matters:
1 Peter 3:7 instructs husbands to live with their wives “in an understanding way.” A partner who seeks to dominate rather than serve is not following Christ’s example of love and humility.
4. Dishonesty and Lack of Integrity
Trust is hard to earn and easy to lose. It’s also the foundation of a strong marriage. If your partner is dishonest, whether about small matters or big issues, this is a major concern. You’ve probably heard it said, “Loose lips sink ships.” Lies and betrayals are like rocks that damage the hull of a vessel. And a ship with big holes in it can’t remain afloat for very long.
Warning Signs:
- They frequently lie or exaggerate.
- They hide aspects of their life from you.
- They are secretive about finances, past relationships, or personal struggles.
Why This Matters:
Proverbs 12:22 says, “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.” Without honesty, trust erodes, and the relationship becomes unstable.
5. Disrespectful or Abusive Behavior
Respect is non-negotiable in any relationship – let alone marriage. If your partner treats you or others with disrespect, be cautious. Abuse is never acceptable. Whether physical or not, most battered relationships don’t start that way.
Warning Signs:
- They belittle or insult you.
- They have a history of violent behavior.
- They show extreme jealousy or possessiveness.
Why This Matters:
Colossians 3:19 instructs husbands to love their wives and not be harsh with them. A person who mistreats you before marriage is unlikely to change afterward. Most likely, it’ll get worse.
6. Different Core Values and Life Goals
While differences can complement a marriage, fundamental disagreements on major life issues often lead to frustration and division. This includes having a worldly outlook instead of a biblical one. When I was courting my wife, I focused most of my questions around core values and life goals. Because if those didn’t align, I knew there was no need to continue the relationship.
Warning Signs:
- You have different beliefs about raising children, finances, or career priorities.
- They do not support your calling or aspirations.
- They have a vastly different approach to handling money or lifestyle choices.
Why This Matters:
Amos 3:3 asks, “Can two walk together without agreeing to meet?” A strong marriage requires alignment in key areas to avoid constant conflict. It’s like trying to run a three-legged race with a partner who’s trying to go in a different direction.
7. Unresolved Addictions or Sinful Patterns
Addictions are some of the hardest things in life to overcome. Regardless if it’s pornography, drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping, or any other addition, it can destroy trust and intimacy in marriage. For those who aren’t sure if a vice is an addition, ask yourself, does this take precedence over or draw you away from God or your family? If it does, it’s an addiction or sinful pattern.
Warning Signs:
- They justify or downplay sinful behavior.
- They refuse accountability or help.
- They repeatedly fall into the same destructive patterns.
Why This Matters:
1 Corinthians 6:18 warns against sexual immorality and other sins that harm the body and spirit. You’ve heard it said, “Give them an inch and they’ll take a mile.” If your partner refuses to address these issues before marriage, their behavior is likely to persist or get worse after marriage.
For those who saw this pattern played out in their family, consider reading: Choosing a New Path for Your Family
8. Lack of Commitment or Indecisiveness
Marriage requires unwavering commitment. If your partner is hesitant or unwilling to fully commit, this could be a serious red flag. For years, I’ve been saying that love is a choice, not a feeling. To love someone is a daily choice. Regardless of whether you like them in that moment or not. And being committed in a monogamous relationship (to one person) is part of what it means to love them.
Warning Signs:
- They are unsure about marriage or delay commitment indefinitely.
- They avoid discussing the future.
- They have a history of short-lived relationships or broken engagements.
Why This Matters:
Matthew 5:37 says, “Let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.'” A partner who is unsure about commitment may struggle with faithfulness. And infidelity is the main reason given in the Bible that’s grounds for a biblically supported divorce. This is a red flag because divorce is not a destination. It’s more like a bad wreck on the interstate.
9. Disregard for Family and Friends’ Concerns
Most of our family members have known us all our lives. Perhaps some of your friends were around before your significant other. The opinions of trusted family members and godly friends can provide valuable insight. If your loved ones consistently express concerns about your relationship, it is worth paying attention.
Our friends and family can see things we can’t. If we’re so wrapped up in the relationship that we can’t see outside the box we’re in, we cannot see the situation. When you continue to hear the same or similar things from different perspectives, perhaps it’s time to listen.
Warning Signs:
- They dismiss or ignore concerns from people who care about you.
- They discourage you from seeking wise counsel.
- They are unwilling to build relationships with your loved ones.
Why This Matters:
Proverbs 15:22 states, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed.” Wise counsel can help you see potential problems before it’s too late. Perhaps you should listen up when they’re speaking to you.
10. Lack of Emotional Maturity
A successful marriage requires emotional maturity. If your partner struggles with managing emotions, handling stress, taking responsibility for their actions, or other immature behaviors, these could be significant red flags. Marriage is between two consenting adults; one man and one woman. And maturity is not tied to age.
Warning Signs:
- They frequently blame others for their problems.
- They struggle with self-control and react impulsively.
- They refuse to take responsibility for mistakes.
Why This Matters:
Proverbs 14:29 says, “Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.” Emotional maturity is based on one’s character. A person’s character is formed from the experiences and lessons they’ve learned. And it’s essential for handling the ups and downs of marriage with grace and wisdom.
Conclusion
Most couples don’t get married to get divorced or separated. Recognizing red flags before marriage is crucial to building a strong, God-honoring relationship. While no one is perfect, patterns of dishonesty, disrespect, control, or spiritual complacency should not be ignored. If you notice these warning signs, take time to pray, seek wise counsel, and evaluate whether this relationship is truly God’s best for you.
A healthy marriage begins with a healthy foundation. Choosing a partner who shares your faith, values, and commitment to Christ will lead to a stronger, more fulfilling relationship. Before saying “I do,” make sure you’re stepping into marriage with eyes open, ears listening, and a heart surrendered to God’s wisdom.
If you found value in this, consider reading Understanding Why 50/50 Relationships Fail
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