Marriage – Equality or Hierarchy?

Did God design marriages to be between one man and one woman with equal authority? Or is there a hierarchy where one must have superiority over the other?

Roughly half of all marriages in the U.S. end up in divorce. What does that say about our culture? Is it possible we’ve got it wrong? Maybe it’s as simple as replacing the missing piece.

In this article, we’ll discuss serving one another, mutual submission, biblical headship, and each person’s roles in the marriage.

Understanding Biblical Headship: Leadership, NOT Domination

Ephesians 5:23 – “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.”

Have you ever heard the term “biblical headship?” No, it’s not like a totem pole. Headship is a way to define hierarchy or structure. In a company, the Chief Executive Officer or President would be the “head” of the company. Countries have a President, King/Queen, or some form of representative at the very top.

Biblical headship is the way to look at the hierarchy or structure based on what the Bible says. According to the Bible, God designed the man to be the head of the marriage and household.

Of course, He didn’t say the man should treat his wife and kids like slaves or pieces of property. Quite the contrary.

The text explains the husband should sacrifice himself for his wife as Christ did for His church (Ephesians 5:25).

Not only are husbands to love their wives sacrificially, but also through servitude.

A husband who leads by serving, like helping with the kids or household chores, mirrors Christ’s servant leadership.

Jesus describes this well in Matthew 20. He said, “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, ²⁷ and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— ²⁸ just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Matthew 20:26-28)

As the husband, your job is to lead your family sacrificially and as their servant.  Not as a dictator or authoritarian.

Mutual Submission: What It Really Means

Ephesians 5:21 – “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

Most of us have worked for someone we didn’t like. If you haven’t, count yourself blessed as one of the lucky ones.

Nonetheless, it’s difficult to follow the direction/leadership of someone you don’t like or agree with. In business, we often choose to suck it up if we want to keep our job. Some go the opposite direction and choose to undermine their boss.

This spills over into marriage, too. After the fall, God said that women would desire to rule over their husbands (Genesis 3:16). He also knew it wasn’t their role to do so.

As we saw in Ephesians 5:23, it’s the husband’s job to lead his family. However, two verses before, the Bible tells us we’re to submit to one another in marriage.

Too often, we hear the word “submit” and think we’re to throw away any desire we might have for that of the other person. But that’s not what the Bible says.

Submit means to follow, not give up. A wife may submit in respect, but the husband is also called to sacrifice his desires for his wife’s wellbeing—both are forms of submission.

Decisions for your family need to be made together, as a team. Where to live or how to spend money should be made through mutual discussion, not unilaterally.

Remember, gentlemen, God gave her to you as your helper!

Partnership in Purpose: Shared Calling, Different Roles

Genesis 2:18 – “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

Marriage is a partnership, and it relies on both partners working together for a common purpose. And, as with any functional team, each member has a specific role to play.  

After God created Adam, He put him to work in the garden (Genesis 2:15). Later on, He realized the created man should not be alone. So, He made Eve to be Adam’s helper (Genesis 2:20-21).

When they chose to believe Satan and eat from the forbidden fruit (better known as the fall), God essentially gave them their marching orders. The woman will have and raise the children, and the man will work to provide for his family (Genesis 3:17-20).

But most couples have decided to go against God’s design for the family. Whatever their reasoning,  both the husband and wife work outside the home. Not to be mean, but they’ve essentially chosen to allow someone else to raise their children.

My wife has been a stay-at-home/homeschool mom since our daughter was born in 2005. Personally, I think she has the most important job of the two of us—raising and educating our children.

Unfortunately, with the cost of homes, vehicles, and everything else we purchase, not all households can prosper on a single income. If you fall into that category, then focus on staying within your God designated roles in the home.

Leadership Without Control: The Danger of Misusing Authority

Colossians 3:19 – “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”

We began by discussing how the head of the household should be a servant leader, not a dictator. Part of being a servant leader is kindness.

Therefore, any husband who uses Scripture to justify controlling or silencing his wife’s voice is not adhering to Scripture. He is misusing/misinterpreting biblical headship.

1 Peter 3:7 – “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

True leadership includes inviting feedback, listening well, and admitting when you’re wrong.

If you enjoyed this article, consider reading: Who’s the Leader of Your Family?