Effective Communication Skills for Couples
How often do you talk with your wife? Probably multiple times a day if you’re in good standing. Do you therefore put effort into ensuring your communication is edifying?
I can attest that I haven’t always put my best effort into communicating with my wife. At the age of fifty and after twenty-one years of marriage, I’m still a work in progress.
But this old dawg can still be taught new tricks.
In this article, we’ll discuss a few effective communication skills you can learn and use as a couple to better your relationship.
Active Listening Techniques
According to Amanda O’Bryan, PhD, there are three principles associated with Active Listening: Listen for total meaning, respond to feelings, and note all cues.
Listen for Total Meaning
When listening for the total meaning, she explains, you’re trying to understand both the intended message and the underlying one.
It’s said that most of us speak 90% non-verbally (we’ll get into that later in this article). So, when listening for the meaning, it’s important to understand the underlying message being sent.
When your wife starts going off on you and you don’t know why, listen to the message behind the words. Perhaps she feels unheard and just wants you to listen.
Respond to Feelings
In your response, address the feelings or emotions with what was being said. If she says, “I love you too” with disgust in her voice, let her know you love her too. But then address the reason for her disgust. Even if you already know. She’s trying to convey a message. Help her get it across.
When she’s upset, as difficult as it may be, don’t respond in kind. That only makes the matter worse.
Early in my marriage, my wife used to confront me in a fierce rage. This is because that’s how she was taught to deal with relationship issues. She saw her parents do it and believed that’s how everyone did it too.
As she started yelling, I walked away. Which caused her to get even more upset. She demanded I stay and fight (my word not hers). After she calmed down, I explained that I walked away because it was better for one bomb to go off than two.
Once she was calm, then we could discuss the problem without her anger overwhelming the issue. After listening to the problem, we could address the role anger played in it.
Note ALL Cues
The cues Dr. O’Bryan references in her article are referring to non-verbal’s. We’ll detail non-verbal communication later in this article.
Handling Difficult Conversations
Confrontational conversations are about as enjoyable as a root canal. But, according to Harvard Business Review, “Avoiding or delaying a difficult conversation can hurt your relationships and create other negative outcomes.”
My wife is a confrontational person. Not that she’s an in-your-face type of person. But rather, she doesn’t like letting something fester. She prefers to address it right away. On the other hand, I’m a non-confrontational person. I prefer to hope it will go away on its own.
Unfortunately, mine isn’t the ideal way to go about it. As the HBR article points out, it’s quite the opposite.
So, confrontational or not, how do we handle those difficult conversations? The article lists five things we can do to handle difficult situations effectively.
1. Curiosity and Respect
It’s said conflict avoiders are more worried about being liked. As a conflict-avoider myself, I disagree with that philosophy. Perhaps I’m an outlier. For argument’s sake, I’ll accept the premise others aren’t like me.
The article suggests to, “Lean into the conversation with an open attitude and a genuine desire to learn. Start from a place of curiosity and respect.”
Ephesians 4:2-3: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”
2. Speak Less and Listen More
Perhaps we’re afraid that what will be said will cause even greater conflict. Or maybe we spend our time analyzing our words so much that we become anxious about the situation altogether.
The article says, “Tough conversations rarely go as planned anyway. So, take the pressure off yourself. You don’t actually need to talk that much during a difficult conversation. Instead, focus on listening, reflecting, and observing.”
God gave us two ears and only one mouth. Because the mouth is much better in diameter than the ear canals combined, some might see that as a sign. That more should come out of it than what goes into the ears. But that’s not true.
James 1:19: “My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”
3. Be Direct
Be direct as in addressing the problem head-on and don’t beat around the bush. Of course, it doesn’t have to be confrontational. To do this in a non-confrontational way, “shift your approach from overly direct to a respectful, affirming back-and-forth conversation.”
It might take practice for both sides (confrontational and non-confrontational alike). The more you practice the better you’ll get at it. Just remember to do it in love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7: “Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, 5 is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs. 6 Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
4. Don’t Wait
We’ve all heard the anti-procrastination saying, “Don’t put off ‘til tomorrow what can be done today.” The article states it this way, “Instead of putting off a conversation for some ideal future time, when it can be more easily dealt with, tackle it right away. Get your cards on the table so you can resolve the issue and move on.”
Proverbs 6:9-11: “But you, lazybones, how long will you sleep? When will you wake up? 10 A little extra sleep, a little more slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest—11 then poverty will pounce on you like a bandit; scarcity will attack you like an armed robber.”
5. Be Positive
Go into the conversation with a belief that the outcome will be a positive one. “Focus on the long-term gains that the conversation will create for the relationship. When your attention is focused on positive outcomes and benefits, it will shift your thinking process and inner dialogue to a more constructive place.”
The article finishes with this insight, “Don’t ignore the tough situations you are aware of today. When the opportunity presents itself to provide unsolicited negative feedback to a difficult colleague or give a less-than-positive performance evaluation, summon the courage to address the conflict head-on.”
Philippians 4:8: “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”
Nonverbal Communication
According to the Encyclopedia Britannica, Nonverbal Communication is, “the transfer of information from one person to another without the use of words or spoken language. Nonverbal communication can occur in a variety of ways, including through facial expressions, gestures, and body posture or position.”
My wife would say, “It’s not what you said, but how you said it.”
It’s often said that we speak more nonverbally than we do with our words. This could be with our eyes, arms, and hand gestures, our breathing, our posture, and so much more.
Have you ever been talking with someone while simultaneously wanting to leave? Have you ever looked at your posture when that happens? Chances are, you’ve positioned your body toward the door subconsciously. That’s your nonverbal saying you want to leave.
It’s a beneficial skill to learn nonverbal cues. Not just of others, but your own as well.
For instance, when someone else is speaking, do you lean into the conversation with your arms at your side? Or do you position your body away with your arms folded? Without saying a word, both communicate to the person speaking.
Therefore, it’s important to know your audience (in this case your wife).
I’m a busybody who has a hard time sitting still. Trust me, if I’m at home I’m typically doing multiple things while someone is speaking to me. It’s not that I don’t value the person speaking to me. Rather, I’m multitasking. However, I only do this with things that don’t require brain power.
One example is when my daughter wants to tell me something. Perhaps I’m in the process of putting away the dishes. I can give her my attention at the same time because I don’t need to expend brain power putting the dishes where they need to go. It doesn’t take away my attention from what she’s saying.
To prove I’m listening, I’m actively engaged in the conversation. That way she knows her words aren’t falling on deaf ears. Or that she isn’t more important than the dishes. The same goes for my son.
My wife, on the other hand, needs me to make eye contact. Even though we both know I’m still just as present, she requires my full attention.
Unfortunately, that also means she’s going to get my nonverbals as well. They’ve gotten me into trouble more than a couple of times. Therefore, I have to be extra mindful not to send the wrong message.
It’s easy for us to fall into the comfort zone with our spouse. When your complete attention is demanded of you, give it. If necessary, set a time limit. Otherwise, your nonverbals could cause a conflict that would have otherwise been avoided.
If you got value from this article, consider reading Reflecting on Marriage Growth and Goals.
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