Martin Howard
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It happened again. You said or did something that set your wife into a tizzy. “It wasn’t what you said but how you said it,” she might remark.
She was hurt by the tone and/or gesturing you used with your words. That hurt caused her to react disrespectfully.
Her disrespectfulness caused you to lash out and react in a way that was unloving. And before long, voices were raised, and like the shot heard around the world, the war had begun.
When the proverbial dust settles and tempers calm, you think to yourself, “What now?”
For those of you who have a unicorn of a wife (i.e., one that doesn’t need to talk a lot, doesn’t hold grudges, etc.) you might not be able to relate. But for the rest of the world, we find ourselves once again with a fragile vase that’s hurt.
And whether you agree with it or not, it was your fault.
On multiple occasions, my wife has told me that she wishes she could video-record what I had just said and then play it back for me. Not to record what words I used, but rather how I said them. That way, I could see the expression on my face as she saw it.
To her, the delivery is more important than the words. And it’s usually my facial expression or tone of voice that hurt her.
When I say the same words again, but without any overtones or expressions, she tells me that everything would’ve been fine if I’d just said it like that.
Even though they were the same words, there was no negative reaction. It was the initial delivery that caused the hurt. So how can we rectify it? Here are five steps to a healthy resolution after an argument.
Please note, I’m not a therapist or a counselor. Just someone who’s been married for over twenty years. And I’m still learning.
1. Address Your Emotions.
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” – James 1:19
As men, we pride ourselves on our ability to compartmentalize our thoughts and emotions. It pains us to acknowledge that’s not always the case. Sometimes, they still show through.
How were you feeling inside when those words came out? Were you happy with joy coming out on your face? You wouldn’t be in this situation if that were the case.
In my situation as explained above, minus the war of words, I was probably a tad arrogant. Perhaps even prideful in my response. Either way, I had to acknowledge that I didn’t have control over my emotions when I initially delivered those words.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want pride to be my downfall. After addressing our emotions, we need to acknowledge our role in the argument.
2. Acknowledge your role in the argument.
You’ll need to apologize. Of course, if you’re not sorry about what just happened, then there’s more that needs to be rectified than just the previous argument.
Saying your sorry isn’t about “being the bigger person.” Going in with that narcissistic attitude will only cause more arguments.
Rather, apologize for your reaction. What you said, or more importantly how you said it, is what hurt her. Let her know that you’re sorry.
Regardless of how tough you think she is (or how tough she thinks she is), God made her to be a fragile vase. She wears her heart on her sleeve, and it’s easily injured.
“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” – 1 Peter 3:7
Don’t bring up what she said or how she reacted that caused your reaction. Take ownership of what you did because you can control your emotions/reactions.
3. Talk to your wife.
“I liken you, my darling, to a mare among Pharaoh’s chariot horses. Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels.” – Song of Songs 1:9-10
Okay, so maybe not like that. Then again, she might like it.
After you acknowledge your emotions and your role in what happened, you do need to talk to your wife before talking to anyone else (i.e., family, friends, etc.). Yes, I know it sounds counterintuitive. After all, that’s what got you into the fight in the first place.
And that talk needs to happen as soon as possible. The sooner the better. Because the longer she stirs in it, the more her mind will go down the rabbit trail of questions.
Understand, during the argument, she probably gave you a clue for her disdain. In my example, it wasn’t what I said but how.
When you talk with her, make sure you have control over your facial expressions and tone of voice. If you’re anything like me, your feelings will show on your face.
Let her know what you did wrong. Leave anything she did out of it. Don’t even bring up what she said or did. It’ll only reopen that wound (or pour salt on it if it hasn’t closed yet).
You and I are emotional people. Perhaps not in the same way as our wives. Even if we tell ourselves we have full control over our emotions.
We think we have control until we find out that we don’t.
What does that mean? When someone does or says something irritating, how do you react? Do you have a scour on your face? Do you make audible sounds to show your displeasure? Perhaps you give the side-eye.
You have certain auto responses that you’re probably not even aware of. When the dust settles, have her help you identify what those are. Then go about addressing and correcting them.
4. Love your wife, pray for her, and pray for your marriage, daily.
Make-up sex is great. But loving on your wife goes far beyond sex. Do you know what your wife’s love language is? If not, you should make learning that a top priority.
Loving your wife is about loving her how she likes to be loved. Whether that’s physical touch (non-sexual), words of affirmation, acts of service, etc. Learn what it is and do that for her.
Daily, if you’re not doing so already, pray for your wife and your marriage. Ask God to help you to be the husband she desires and needs. Ask Him to soften your heart, heal your marriage, and identify the errors of your ways.
God allowed you two to be together. Maybe even orchestrated it. Thank Him for her and what you have together. If you desire change, ask Him to help you to change. Important, if it’s change you seek, let that change begin with you. He will work with her in their time.
5. Seek wise counsel.
As men, we want to believe we have it all under control. That we don’t need help. Unfortunately, based on the argument you just had with your wife you know that’s not true.
We all need help, whether we want to acknowledge that or not. Regardless of how many blinders we put on, or what lens we see through, the truth is still the truth.
The wise counsel you seek doesn’t have to be from a marriage therapist. But if you do seek one, my suggestion would be to find one that’s a biblically-based counselor and not just a Christian counselor. Try to avoid a secular one, if at all possible.
Either way, don’t seek wise counsel from someone who’s single, doesn’t have a biblical world view, or is a member of the opposite sex.
Finally, discuss together how you’ll address future disagreements in a way that won’t result in another argument.
Your marriage is worth fighting for!
If you found value in this, please read my article How to disagree without arguing.
