5 Barriers to Romance in Marriage and How to Overcome Them
Most of us would agree, it’s difficult to be romantic when there’s friction between the two of you.
Has your wife told you recently that you’re not as romantic as you used to be (or something of the sort)? Regardless of how long you’ve been married, she still desires to be wooed.
Perhaps you want to romanticize your wife but feel there are too many things in the way.
Although there are several barriers to romance in marriage, we’ll discuss the most common ones and how to overcome them.
Let’s start by looking at what they are. Here are just five of the more common reasons:
- Busy schedules or Lack of time
- Communication breakdown
- Unresolved conflict
- Lack of physical intimacy
- Stress
If someone were to see that list without knowing what it’s for, they might say they’re excuses because priorities are out of sorts. Perhaps they are merely excuses. Let’s digest each one starting at the top.
1. Busy Schedules or Lack of Time
Both parents work in most American households. In many ways, the Industrial Revolution and the women’s rights (aka women’s suffrage) movement worked together to get both parents into the workforce.
With the husband and wife working, less focused time is available for each other. Even when their schedules are the same. And that’s not taking into consideration their children either.
It’s recommended that adults get 7-9 hours of sleep each 24 hours. Which is why we often hear the number 8. That leaves us with 16 hours left.
Most work schedules average out to be 40 hours per week. That doesn’t include lunch break or commute time. For argument’s sake, let’s say that you have a 30-minute commute and a 30-minute lunch break.
Working 8 hours, plus a 30-minute lunch, and an hour drive (30 minutes each way), you’re spending around 9.5 hours for work. Your time may be more or less but go with me on this.
After your 8 hours of sleep and 9.5 hours of work, you’re left with 6.5 hours. But wait, most of us don’t get up after 8 hours of sleep and are ready to go to work. Perhaps we need to shower, get dressed, make breakfast/lunch, have our devotional time, whatever. As men, let’s say that takes us 1 hour to do all that.
That now leaves us with 5.5 hours. Which is still a good amount of time. But it doesn’t always work out that way.
Let’s look at what a typical day could look like:
- 10:30 pm to 6:30 am (sleep)
- 6:30 am to 7:30 am (get ready for work)
- 7:30 am to 8:00 am (drive to work)
- 8:00 am to 12:00 pm (first half of your day)
- 12:00 pm to 12:30 pm (lunch)
- 12:30 pm to 4:30 pm (second half of your day)
- 4:30 pm to 5:00 pm (drive home)
- 5:00 pm to 10:30 pm (time with your family)
On paper, it looks great. Some of us don’t leave right when our “shift” is over though. Others don’t go straight home. And for those who don’t do either, that doesn’t mean your wife will be there when you arrive.
We all know that nothing on this side of Heaven is perfect. So, let’s take another hour out too.
For argument’s sake, let’s say you could make this time work. What could you do with 4.5 hours? I say you could do a lot!
However, most of us come up with the excuse that we’re too busy.
Is it we’re too busy or is our time management out of whack? Perhaps we’ve merely stretched ourselves too thin and it’s our marriages (and family time) that suffer.
Maybe it’s time to learn to say “no.” No to working late. No to too many sports for the kids. No to things that detract from your relationship with your wife.
Remember your priorities. God first, then your wife, then your kids, and then everyone else. If you adhere to these priorities, you’ll always have enough time for your wife and kids.
Focus on the Family has come up with 8 Steps for Making Time in Your Marriage.
2. Communication Breakdown
Communication breakdown is commonplace in society at large. Most organizations (both large and small) have this problem. Why? Because they’re made up of humans.
In a business, communication breakdowns could cause disruption in the supply chain, bad client experience, low morale, and could even lead to the demise of the company.
Similarly, poor communication in a relationship could lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, conflict (or unresolved conflict), emotional distancing, and even end the relationship.
Most of us understand that communication goes both ways. Just like with a telephone, there are two parties in the transfer of information. The sender and the receiver.
Using the telephone metaphor, go back in time with me for a moment. To a time when people still used phones that were connected to a jack in the wall.
Now, let’s imagine the phone wasn’t plugged into the wall. Therefore, it had no connection to the “landline.” That phone would be good as either a piece of art or a paperweight. But it wouldn’t be good for its intended purpose.
In other words, you couldn’t pick up the receiver and call someone. The message would not get through.
The sender has to be able to send a message. And once it’s sent, there has to be a receiver on the other end to receive it.
Communication breaks down not because there isn’t a sender and a receiver. Rather, the message is misunderstood. Perhaps one might say it didn’t come through clearly.
As the sender, are you ensuring that the message you’re sending is being received as intended? My wife often says, “It’s not what you said but how you said it.”
Verify with your wife that she heard your message correctly and it wasn’t misinterpreted. Remember, women are emotional beings. Just because you say one thing doesn’t mean they understood it that way. And do the same for her.
Together, work on some effective communication skills to help prevent breakdowns from trying to sabotage your relationship.
3. Unresolved Conflicts and Resentments
Growing up, I shared a room with my brother who’s four years younger than me. Perhaps he looked up to me, but I didn’t like that he wouldn’t leave my stuff alone. We used to get into arguments a lot.
When I was about twelve, my parents allowed me to live in the basement. Because there wasn’t a room down there, they put a sheet up to separate my area from the storage.
My brother has expressed how he still holds onto many of those arguments. These resentment feelings typically come out when he’s drunk.
As men, when we get into disagreements or arguments with our spouses, we need to take the lead in resolving them.
I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “Happy wife, happy life.” It’s so popular because there’s a lot of truth in it. The Bible tells us that women are the weaker vessels in need of our consideration and protection.
Those opposed to God’s design will fight against that theology. But it doesn’t change the fact that your wife needs your protection, encouragement, and love. You each have unique biblical roles in marriage.
When you get into a disagreement with your wife, take the lead and apologize. Even if it wasn’t your fault to begin with. She’s hurt and this could be her way of crying out for help.
By you going to her and apologizing with the best and sincerest of intentions, she’s likely to receive that in love.
Remember, we’re trying to avoid the “Crazy Cycle” like Dr. Emerson describes in his book Love and Respect.
Some disagreements are superficial like the type of bread to buy, whether to buy name brand or generic, or how to pronounce Louisville.
While other conflicts are deep-rooted and sometimes you can’t simply agree to disagree. These may include financial, child-rearing, religious, and political beliefs to name a few.
Focus on the Family discusses the topic of disagreeing with your spouse. The article explains when “marriage conflicts are not handled well, they can turn into marriage-killing deadlocks that resurface regularly, causing more emotional distancing with each return.”
So, how do we avoid/address unresolved conflict and resentment?
First, the article suggests, don’t try to argue about how your wife feels. Those feelings are hers and not yours. But you can have thoughtful discussions on why she feels a certain way.
Second, listen to and acknowledge her viewpoint. Hearing her out is more important than winning the argument. What good does it do to win the battle if you lose the war? It’s better to lose the argument than the person.
And the last item I want to discuss is compromise. Look for ways to agree while staying true to your beliefs, honoring your wife, and addressing her area of contention.
For additional reading, here are some tips on how to disagree without arguing.
4. Lack of Physical Intimacy
Do you know about the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman? In his several books on the subject, he explains how we each have our own primary and secondary love languages.
For example, my wife’s primary love language is acts of service. When I intentionally do things to help her out, I’m doing things that reaffirm my love for her (in her language).
My primary love language is physical touch. When my wife sits or walks next to me and rubs her fingers across my back, that reaffirms her love for me (in my language).
Physical intimacy is more than physical touch. But it’s not limited to sex either. Physical intimacy can include hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding hands, and other forms of touching as well. It’s being intimate in a way that you wouldn’t do with just anyone.
Infidelity due to lack of physical intimacy is merely the tip of the iceberg.
Some of the issues that arise from a lack of physical intimacy include self-esteem issues, emotional disconnection, infidelity, mental health struggles (i.e., depression, anxiety, etc.), and much more.
According to marriage.com, “Approximately 20% of married couples fall under the category of a sexless marriage.” I could refer to political marriages here, but I’ll save that for another time.
The article continues that, “a loss of intimacy or lack of physical intimacy can be the root cause of many future problems if left unaddressed.” It continues, “With physical intimacy being one of the ways for a partner to communicate feelings, its absence can cause a void that can create a barrier over time.”
So, how do we overcome this lack of physical intimacy in marriage?
The article suggests taking things slow and having open discussions with each other. “Find out what your partner likes and doesn’t like in terms of physical intimacy, and encouraging physical closeness in non-romantic ways, such as simply holding hands, sitting next to each other while watching films, taking walks together, and so on.”
If nothing else, it will keep you healthier than otherwise. According to WebMD, “People who have sex have higher levels of what defends your body against germs, viruses, and other intruders.”
And if that doesn’t any of those reasons help, perhaps it’s time to seek assistance from a professional marriage counselor or sex therapist. But don’t delay on this. Otherwise, you or your wife might start looking elsewhere to have your physical needs met.
5. Stress
Of course, no list of lack of physical intimacy would be complete without stress. While, in actuality, sex can ease stress (we’ll get into that).
Each of us deals with stress in our own way. Some of us deal with stress in positive ways. While others react in ways that are harmful to our well-being.
Regardless of how we respond, it’s a main factor in our lack of physical intimacy and it needs to be addressed.
For some, the mere thought of being intimate is stressful. For men, that might include ED. According to the Cleveland Clinic Center for Continuing Education, 52% of American men suffer from ED.
In an article from Psychology Today, women can even develop a negative correlation with sex. Because they’re emotional beings, this habit could lead to developing stress responses to sex which prevents them from enjoying it.
In other words, it’s not necessarily external forces that cause the stressors preventing us from having physical intimacy in our marriages.
The article goes on to say, “In many cases, simply recognizing stress as a contributing factor or the cause of sexual problems is enough to bring about recovery. Ignoring the problem and not taking steps to eliminate it can lead to anger, emotional disorders, depression, physical illness, and permanent loss of intimacy.”
A study published in the National Library of Medicine on Stress and Physical Intimacy discovered that “For physical affection, a linear effect emerged. On days of greater stress, women, but not men, reported less affection. Further analyses suggested that women’s stress is more influential than men’s stress for a couple’s physical intimacy.”
In other words, women struggle to separate their emotional and physical experiences, especially when it comes to intimacy. Therefore, stress can significantly hinder a woman’s desire to engage in physical intimacy.
If your marriage lacks physical intimacy due to your wife’s stressor responses, don’t be discouraged. Just implement the suggestions offered in the different blockers explained in this article. Have open discussions about physical intimacy expectations and seek professional help if necessary.
Additionally, your wife can take a reflective approach to understanding her stressors. Encourage her to practice stress-reducing techniques (e.g., mindfulness and self-care), and recognize the impact of stress on her physical intimacy.
Related article: The Health Benefits of Sex
These sources provide valuable insights and practical advice for addressing these common barriers to romance in marriage. By recognizing and working through these challenges, couples can strengthen their romantic connection and build a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
If you found this article valuable, consider reading Effective Communication Skills for Couples.
This post contains affiliate links. This means I may earn a commission should you choose to sign up for a program or make a purchase using my link.
About The Author
