How to Be a Better You

A young man, and friend of the family, recently approached me to ask two questions. “How do I become a better person?” and “How do I become a better man?”
What profound questions, I thought to myself. I asked if I could think about his questions before responding.
It took me about an hour and a half to start my response. We spoke on this for at least an hour. I began by saying that I understood what he was asking. And that I felt they were the same. He asked me to explain since he didn’t understand my logic.
“They’re the same question because you can’t separate the two,” I began. “You’re asking how to be a better person and how to be a better man. Well, you’re a man, and therefore to be a better person you have to be a better man, and vice-versa.”
“What does it look like to be a better person, to you?”
He still didn’t quite understand. Accordingly, he felt being a better person and a better man weren’t the same. To help provide more clarity, I responded that he couldn’t be a better woman because he’s not a woman. As a man, to become a better person, he also had to become a better man. He told me he understood after that.
I asked him, and I’ll ask you (the reader) the same question, what does it look like to be a better person? When you think of a better person, what does that look like to you? And in what way(s) do you want to be better? His answer to me was that he didn’t know.
In response, I set out a scenario for him. If someone gave you directions like, “turn right, turn left, turn left, turn left, turn left,” would you be able to get to your destination? The answer is most likely yes. Assuming the person giving the directions was in the car with you (or it was a sort of navigation system/smartphone).
Understand, that’s also a double-edged sword. Yes, it got you to your destination. Unfortunately, you’re now reliant on that person (or thing) to tell you how to get there. However, if they gave you street names and directions to turn, you’d be able to get to that destination by yourself. Not only that, but you’d also be able to make your way back to the starting point. As an added benefit, you’d be able to figure out how to go to other places too.
“To know where to go, you have to first know where you are.”
Back to his question. I explained how sometimes, we want someone to tell us where to go. “Just tell me what I have to do!” I said. He laughed in agreeance. Most of us won’t have someone in our lives to tell us every move we need to make to be successful. But that doesn’t mean we can’t learn from others.
Many before us have both failed and succeeded in their endeavors. We can learn from the successes and failures of others. “Do you know who Babe Ruth was?” I asked. “The name sounds familiar,” he said. “He was a famous baseball player. And, he was famous for two things,” I told him. “Hitting the most home runs?” he asked. “Yes,” I said. “Hitting the most home runs. And striking out the most.”
For Babe Ruth to be a homerun champion, he had to fail along the way. And he did so a lot. But no one knows him as one of the greatest strikeouts of all time.
Now, back to our friend. “If you want to be a better version of yourself, you first have to figure out who you are” I explained, as with my driving scenario. If you want to know where to go, you have to know where you are. Then you can navigate your way to your destination.
Because he said he wanted to be a better person/man, his question should be, “How do I become a better version of me?”
“A career ladder, anymore, is more in the shape of a lattice than a ladder. There can be as many horizontal moves as vertical ones.”
As a career, I asked him what characteristics he wanted. He didn’t quite know. I explained to him that a career ladder, anymore, is more in the shape of a lattice than a ladder. As with a lattice, there can be as many horizontal moves as vertical ones that someone will take to reach their career goals.
When we look at our career aspirations, we often want a straight path. Unfortunately, that’s very rare anymore. In actuality, you might end up in a completely different location than you had set out to reach. Because, along the way, you realized that was your new destination.
As an individual, I asked what he wanted to improve on. In response, he asked me a question. “How do you see me as an individual?” he asked. Rather than answer the question, he asked one of his own.
I explained the characteristics I saw in him that I felt were an asset. Responsible (taking ownership). He had told me a scenario where he had to chase down a dog for one of his clients. The dog got out, no fault of his own, but he took it upon himself to catch it. “You’re kind-hearted,” my wife interjected. She said she loves the way he interacts with our kids. I told him that I felt he was intelligent as well. There was more, but unfortunately, I didn’t write them down.
“Get rid of that image you’ve developed in your head about what you should be like.”
During the conversation, I could tell that he was still struggling. You have to get rid of that image you’ve developed in your head, comparing yourself to others, I said. I explained that all of us are unique individuals. And as a unique individual, he (just like you) will have strengths and weaknesses that others might not have.
Therefore, we make an unfair comparison when we compare ourselves to others. God made us all different, a good thing too. Most of us wouldn’t be necessary if we were all the same. We might have similarities and be like-minded, but no two people are identical. Even “identical twins” have their differences.
In the end, if you want to better yourself, you need to understand who you are. And then, what a “good person” looks like to you. There has to be a starting point and goal to achieve. As Zig Ziggler said, “If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.”
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