Helping Shy People Start Conversations

A common misconception that shyness and introversion are one in the same. The misconception is that they’re both afraid of talking with others. It’s not that introverts don’t like to. Rather, in social constructs, it consumes more energy to do so. Whereas a shy person is afraid to speak to others. A shy person could be either an introvert or an extrovert.

While introverts consume more energy speaking with others, extroverts draw their energy from others. They’re energized as they speak with others. When they interact with individuals and/or group, it’s like fuel in their tank. Whereas introverts have to expel more energy when speaking with individuals/groups. Both are afraid to start a conversation with a stranger.

Shyness nearly cost me years of fond memories.

As a child, I was extremely shy. The mere thought of talking to strangers made my stomach turn. Especially girls. Though I loved being around people I knew.

When I was in elementary school, my mom wanted to get me into the children’s bell choir at church. Being an overly shy kid, I was afraid to try. Nonetheless, she convinced me, and I went along with it.

To this day, I can still remember my first day there. The first mistake was that we were late. We were walking down the hallway, and I could hear the bells being played. As we approached the room, I could see who was already in there. They were all girls. Needless to say, I flipped out.

I’m sure the other side of the church could hear me screaming, as I tried to get away. There was no way I was going in there. I’d have to walk into the room, in front of all those girls. I was crippled by fear. It manifested in me crying in terror.

The instructor, and the girls, stopped playing. Collectively, they encouraged me to join them. Part of me wanted to go in, but I was still scared. Eventually, I calmed down and stopped hiding behind my mother. I went in. For the next three to four years, I played in the children’s bell choir. I have fond memories of that time in my life. I would’ve missed out, had my fear won.

As I grew older, my shyness calmed down. But it hasn’t completely disappeared. I’m not nearly as afraid to approach other people. But it still rears its head now and then.

Arrive Early.

Back to my story. That first day, in the bell choir, I was setup for failure. How? Because we were late. As a shy person, we typically don’t necessarily want the spotlight on us. Yet there I was, terrified for having to walk-in late. Not to mention, that it was in front of a room full of girls. All eyes in the room were upon me. There was no getting around it.

Don’t get me wrong, just because we might not want to be in the spotlight, that doesn’t mean we don’t want to be in charge. More about that later.

Had we been there before the class started, things would’ve been much different. Number one, I wouldn’t have had to be at the front of the class. I could’ve walked in with everyone else. Sure, everyone else was a girl. But we would’ve all been on an equal playing field.

Because I was late, I had even less of a desire to interact with others. Was it shame? Maybe that was part of the problem. It was definitely uncomfortable to say the least. Not to mention my embarrassment. They had all just seen me make a fool of myself as I screamed, cried, and threw a fit.

To be more at ease, we’re better suited to arrive early. When we arrive early, we’re able to sit (or stand) where we want. As people arrive, we can watch them come in. Not the other way around. We can survey and identify those whom we might wish to befriend.

If You’re On-Time, You’re Late.

One way to help to be on-time, we can follow one of the mantra’s often used in the military. “If you’re on-time, you’re late.” Strive to arrive at least five minutes early. Personally, I prefer to arrive closer to fifteen minutes early. This also helps me to avoid the embarrassment of arriving late.

Once we arrive early, we already have a leg up on the situation. As people start filling in, we have a good vantage point. When a stranger sits down (or stands) next to us, this makes a natural opportunity to start a conversation. Whether it’s them asking, “is this seat available?” Or for us to offer up, “this seat’s available.”

It’s as simple as that. The same goes if standing. After they’re seated, then introductions will typically follow. The conversation will naturally transpire on its own from there. In most cases that is. Have you ever been seated, and, without saying a word, a person sits down next to you? What do we do then?

Get Out of Your Comfort Zone.

If, and when, we find ourselves in this type of situation, it’s time to get out of our comfort zone. It’s time for us to speak first. We must get beyond ourselves. Because, if we’re honest, our shyness is caused by things that simply aren’t true. We’re afraid of speaking up because we’re afraid of rejection. Or we’re afraid of the unknown.

As a young adult, I knew people who would try to overcome this by consuming alcohol. After all, it’s often referred to as, “liquid courage.” Rather than resorting to alcohol (or drugs), we just need to switch our thinking. Instead of thinking what could go wrong, we need to think of what could go right.

Another way to get beyond this shyness is to find our role. If I were a doctor, I know that my job would be to meet with complete strangers, multiple times a day. But they’d be coming to me for help. Since I’d be confident in my job, I’d be confident in helping them.

In the same way, we should act confident when meeting complete strangers in social environments. We are the experts of us. No one knows you better than you do. Don’t second guess yourself. And don’t be critical of what might be. Being critical of what might be, could bring regrets of what might’ve been.

Be bold and confident. If necessary, fake your confidence. Step out of your comfort zone. You know who you are. Now it’s time for others to know you too.