Reflecting on Marriage Growth and Goals
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In 2003, my wife and I met in a rather unusual way. At least unusual at that time. We met through an online dating site.
I used to work for a company where I traveled a lot. When we “met” I was in Olympia, Washington.
After arriving on Sunday, I would be there ‘til Friday.
That night at the hotel, I received a notification email from the website. It was a generic message from her. Embedded in the email was a link to her profile.
Not long before that, I had hired a photographer to update my photos for my modeling career. To help assure others I was the same person as the pictures indicated, my profile had multiple photos.
However, her profile had one picture. And it was of her with two other people.
While reading her profile, I received a notification that she had just logged in. The site had an instant messaging system, so I sent a message to say hello.
We began chatting for a while. Eventually, I asked for her phone number. I was calling it before she had a chance to log off the site.
For the rest of the week, we talked as much as possible. First thing in the morning, over meals, breaks, evenings, and as often as we could.
On Wednesday, we agreed to meet for a date when I got back that Friday.
To make a long story short we met at the restaurant, and right after dinner, I asked her to marry me. Some would say I was crazy. She would say she was even crazier because she said yes.
One week later, on Friday, July 25, 2003, we got married at the courthouse.
My wife and I just celebrated twenty-one years of marriage. If someone would’ve told us twenty years ago that we’d still be married, we might’ve questioned their resolve.
Our marriage has been far from easy. Though it’s been hard, God, His Word, and our commitment to each other have helped get us through it.
How has your journey been? Do you take time to reflect on what your marriage has been like?
Reflecting on Your Journey
We all go through difficult seasons in marriage. If you haven’t yet, your time will come. The sooner you learn to navigate conflicts with each other the better chance you’ll get through them.
But reflecting on your journey isn’t just about reviewing the difficult times. It’s about remembering the good times too. If we continually think about the negatives, the future will be just as bleak.
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” – Ephesians 4:2-3
The next time your anniversary comes around, consider going someplace where it’s just the two of you. Spend time discussing the following questions:
- What are some of your favorite memories from our time together?
- How have we grown individually and as a couple over the years?
- What challenges have we overcome, and what did we learn from them?
To help maintain a steady course throughout the year, once a month, get alone and discuss these questions:
- What did we do well this month as a couple?
- Is there anything we could have done differently?
- How can we support each other better in the coming month?
If you have a journal, try reflecting on these questions:
- What were the highlights and low points of our week/month?
- How did we handle conflicts or disagreements?
- What are our dreams and aspirations for the future?
Throughout your reflections, whether alone or together, remember to allow God to work in you.
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” – Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Setting Future Goals Together
When setting future goals, make sure to have your priorities in the right order. And set your eyes toward God.
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” – Matthew 6:33
Businesses and individuals will often set future goals. The same should be true for couples and families too. As we set attainable goals for personal and professional growth, also set them for your relationship.
Make it an activity to develop these goals together. Whether it’s a goal to go someplace special for a future anniversary or vacation. Perhaps it’s the size and structure of your family.
Whatever your goals are, keep these three things in mind:
- Set your goals together
- Make them attainable
- Celebrate when you achieve them
Set Your Goals Together
By setting your goals together, it becomes a team effort. Each member of the team takes ownership of the outcome.
Studies have shown that empowered employees are more focused than those who aren’t. The same thing is true in areas outside of business.
Couples who do things together (i.e., develop budgets, dream of a future, etc.) grow closer and work congruently for their goals.
Make Your Goals Attainable
Setting outlandish goals is not always the best course of action. Because an unattainable goal could cause frustration and you may give up on it altogether.
However, making attainable goals has a greater likelihood of coming true. Some like to use the acronym SMART when developing goals. It stands for: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely.
Of course, Specific and Measurable are the same. Just as Attainable and Realistic are. Nonetheless, the concept holds. Besides SMART sounds a lot better than SAT or MRT.
Celebrate When You Achieve Your Goals
If you’ve ever been a part of a project, with a good project manager, you’ve been celebrated when a project ends.
It’s important to celebrate wins. There are still shops that will give free ice cream cones to kids who bring in good report cards.
The business owner understands that most families won’t get the one cone only. For the parents, they know how it will make their child feel. It’s a win-win.
In the same way, celebrate when you accomplish your goals. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. But it’ll make the process worth doing if there’s more than the satisfaction of achieving the goal to look forward to.
Planning for Future Challenges
Conflict will arise in any relationship. And they tend to be more prevalent in people who love each other (i.e., families, couples, etc.).
Just as you plan for goals you want to achieve, plan for challenges you’ll face along the way.
Not all difficulties can be avoided or foreseen. Having a plan in place, before they occur, will help you navigate it successfully.
As you plan, consider what the Bible says. Here are several challenges married couples face and some scriptures God’s Word provides us to follow.
- Financial Challenges
- Proverbs 21:5: “The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty.”
- Luke 14:28: “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it?”
- Health Challenges
- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20: “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your bodies.”
- Proverbs 17:22: “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”
- Parenting Challenges
- Proverbs 22:6: “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old, they will not turn from it.”
- Ephesians 6:4: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
- Colossians 3:21: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”
- Relationship Challenges
- Ephesians 4:2-3: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”
- Proverbs 15:1: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
- James 1:19: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
- Career and Job Challenges
- Proverbs 16:3: “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.”
- Colossians 3:23-24: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”
- Philippians 4:6-7: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Is reflecting on marriage goals and growth currently part of your marriage? Do you see how beneficial it could be for you and your spouse?
Perhaps today’s the day you get together and begin reflecting on where you’ve been. And then set some goals for where you’d like to go from here.
If you found value in this article, consider reading Essential Priorities for a Strong Marriage.
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