Parenting as a Team
We’re all brought into the world as a result of a man and a woman procreating. However, being a parent is not for everyone.
For those who choose to be parents (whether through having children of your own or otherwise), it won’t be an easy stroll in the park. Though the Bible is a great roadmap, there isn’t a step-by-step owner’s manual to follow.
Nonetheless, we’re not the first parents on Earth and we won’t be the last either. Meaning, we can learn from the successes and failures of others.
In this article, we’ll discuss different techniques you can implement with your wife, to parent as a unified team; working together rather than fighting.
Communicate with Each Other
Communication is key. If we’re being honest, too often we assume our spouse will or will not do something. For instance, most nights I do the cooking for my family. Not because my wife can’t or doesn’t like cooking. Rather, I cook so much because I beat her to it. I know we need to eat, we both enjoy cooking, I just happen to beat her to it.
She also likes cooking. Sometimes, she’ll go into the kitchen before me and start preparing the meal. Either way, we know that one of us is going to cook. Therefore, it’s assumed that if I want to cook and she’s not, then I’ll cook. And vice-versa.
Assuming isn’t necessarily a good or bad thing. To help ensure they’re correct, it’s important to understand the reasoning behind our assumptions.
Here are some communication techniques we can implement to help alleviate the need to assume.
Related article: Effective Communication Skills for Couples.
Weekly Check-Ins
Each week, set aside some time with your wife to discuss any parenting challenges and strategies. Whether these are challenges you’re currently or will be facing soon. This helps both parents stay aligned and address any issues together.
These check-ins don’t have to be structured or drawn out. Just be intentional to make time to support each other.
Use “I” Statements
As humans, we’re going to make wrong decisions. This doesn’t stop just because we became parents. When something goes wrong, and you have to discuss these concerns, avoid sounding accusatory by using “you” or “your” statements.
Instead, implement “I” statements. This doesn’t mean starting with, “I think you’re…” Rather, they’re about taking ownership of what you’re able to control and not your wife.
Rather, calmly use “I” statements to better foster understanding. “I’m trying to understand why I wasn’t included in the decision to take {child’s name} to get her tongue pierced.”
Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Pray Together
As a Christian couple, you’ve invited God into your lives. Hopefully, you’ve invited Him into your marriage too. Do it today, if you haven’t.
Related article: Foundations of a Godly Marriage.
Because you’re meeting during your weekly check-ins, that’s a great time to ensure you pray together. Pray for each other and as parents. Together, ask God for wisdom and guidance in parenting. Invite Him into your decision-making process.
James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.”
Divide Responsibilities by Strengths
You know your wife has gifts you don’t possess. And vice-versa. Are you using that knowledge in your parenting responsibilities too?
Strengths aren’t limited to the physicality of a person. My wife is an extrovert who can talk for what seems like hours. I struggle in that area. At the same time, I can be on time for meetings and appointments. An ability she struggles with.
God has given each of us abilities to help the body of believers. The same is true in life and parenting.
Here are some ways you and your wife can divide the responsibilities of marriage using the strengths God’s given you.
Identify Strengths
Identify each parent’s strengths and assign roles accordingly. An example of this might be one parent handles bedtime routines while the other focuses on homework help.
We homeschool. I work and my wife stays at home with our kids. Her primary responsibility is to provide for their schooling needs. However, I help with Math and any other subject she needs me to.
Teaching our kids is not her strength, but it’s what we’ve chosen as parents. Because Math is one of my strengths, I help out in that area.
As a professional writer, I can help in the areas of reading and writing. However, to avoid hurt feelings I only help in those areas when she asks.
She’s in charge when it comes to schooling and I help wherever I can. I’m good at making strategic decisions for our family’s financial needs, so I’m in charge of that.
And then there are different responsibilities that we share.
Shared Responsibilities
Are you the disciplinarian or is your wife? Is your wife the push-over or are you better suited for that role?
Most of us don’t like to be “the bad guy.” And we usually enjoy the feeling of being liked. This is one area where you can share the responsibility.
This also means you can no longer use the response of “go ask your mother.” Together, you communicate and decide. If it’s your turn to be “the bad guy” then so be it.
As with the cooking example I gave above, it helps ensure the responsibility doesn’t always fall on one person.
Sharing the responsibilities of parenting allows flexibility for adjustments when one parent is overwhelmed or needs support.
Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
Rotate Roles
No, this is not a “your wife goes to your job and you stay home” day. This is like shared responsibilities but more for your roles.
There are days my wife doesn’t have it in her to homeschool our kids. When those days happen, I jump into action as a homeschool dad.
It’s best to schedule these rotations during your weekly check-ins. But sometimes, you have to adjust fire on the fly.
Rotate roles periodically to ensure both parents experience different aspects of parenting. It can also help you empathize with each other’s challenges.
Remain Unified
Family, friends, and even your children may try to come between the two of you. Therefore, it’s important to remain unified and consistent; whether together or apart.
When it comes to your children, special care must be taken to ensure you don’t confuse or allow them to manipulate either of you.
Consider the following suggestions.
Predetermine Disciplinary Strategies
Before disciplinary action is to occur, agree on a strategy beforehand. When they’re young, this might be determining whether to spank or not. Then again, depending on where you live this might not be an option.
Either way, understand that the disciplinary strategy for a toddler will not provide the necessary deterrent for a teenager.
Whatever disciplinary strategy you choose, ensure both parents enforce them consistently. This will help avoid confusing the child.
And do your very best to avoid disciplining your kids out of anger.
Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Disagree in Private
There will be times when you and your wife will disagree. It could be about finances, activities, and even how to parent your kids. Whatever the disagreement is, do it in private.
I don’t mean go into your room and scream at each other. That’s just as traumatic for your kids. It’s learning to control your emotions.
While in the Army, I learned it’s important to agree in public and correct in private. This same philosophy holds true in parenting.
Present yourselves as united in front of the children, even if you disagree. Resolve your differences in private to avoid undermining each other’s authority.
Mark 3:25 says, “And if a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.”
Be Supportive of Each Other – in Front of the Kids
In the end, support each other in front of the children. Be each other’s support system. Show your kids that their parents are a team. This will help foster respect and stability.
Related article: The Importance of Sticking Together as Parents.
If you found value in this article, consider reading Navigating Marriage and Fatherhood as a Christian.
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