Who’s the Leader of Your Family?
Are you the leader of your family or is your wife?
For some of you, the question of who’s leading your family stings. Others have willingly allowed their wife to take the lead. And then some will respond with a resounding “I AM!”
To those who are in the second group, you’ve probably already stopped reading. And for that, I’m sorry.
Those who are in the last category, good job following God’s commands. Even though you don’t need to hear this, I encourage you to read through to the end.
But to those who have allowed their wife to take the reins over their family, we need to talk about what the Bible says. Please understand, that just because you allowed her to take over doesn’t mean you can’t take that role back. Though it will be a greater challenge now.
Please understand this truth, the Bible explicitly places the responsibility of leadership on men. While women are invaluable partners, God’s design is for husbands to lead.
In this article, I’m not going to condemn you for allowing your wife to take over your responsibilities. Hopefully, you’ll be convicted all on your own.
What it means to be the leader of your family.
To lead your family means to guide them spiritually, emotionally, and physically in a way that honors God.
To understand this better, let’s look at what a godly leader is and is not.
According to the dictionary, a leader is “a person or thing that leads.” You’re right, that isn’t helpful. From a worldly perspective, that only creates more questions than it answers. For instance, one might read that and ask, “What does it mean to lead?”
The word “lead” has several different definitions. We’ll stick to the leading aspects and not the heavy metal definitions.
To lead means the following:
- to go before or with to show the way; conduct or escort:
- to conduct by holding and guiding:
- to influence or induce; cause:
- to guide in direction, course, action, opinion, etc.; bring:
Being a godly leader for your family is based in love. God put you, your wife, and your family on this Earth. He gave you the ability to have a wife and the two of you to have children.
If He gave you the ability to have these things, wouldn’t you want to take care of them? Well, that’s stewardship. It’s also servanthood because you’re following God’s lead in this.
Which begs the question, “As a father, what does it mean to be a steward and servant to your family?”
When the Bible calls husbands to be the leaders of their families, it doesn’t mean leadership marked by control or domination. Instead, it is a call to mirror Christ’s leadership of the church. One that’s grounded in love, sacrifice, and servanthood.
Stewardship
Stewardship refers to the responsibility of managing what has been entrusted to you by God. As a husband, you are a steward of your marriage, your children, and the spiritual atmosphere of your home.
This includes protecting and providing for them. Ensuring their needs (e.g., physical, emotional, spiritual, etc.) are met. It’s not just about finances; it’s about providing security, encouragement, and spiritual guidance.
Perhaps this starts with setting correct priorities, such as spending quality time with them or leading them in prayer before bed.
Scripture: 1 Timothy 5:8 – “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
As a steward, you take responsibility for decisions and seek God’s wisdom to lead in a way that honors Him and benefits your family.
Before making a significant decision (e.g., moving, changing jobs, or taking on debt) seek God in prayer and consult your wife to ensure unity.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” – Proverbs 3:5-6
Servanthood
Servanthood in leadership means putting the needs of your family above your own. Leading through humility and example.
True leadership involves humility and a servant’s heart. It is not about asserting authority but about lifting others up.
A husband who takes time to help with household chores or comfort his children after a difficult day shows servanthood. He models Christlike humility, teaching his family that no task is beneath him.
Scripture: Mark 10:45 – “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
Loving stewardship and servanthood requires a heart that prioritizes others and seeks to honor God in all things. It’s not about perfection but about being intentional in leading with humility, love, and reliance on Christ.
Being the godly leader for your family doesn’t mean domination but loving stewardship and servanthood.
Men are called to be the family leader – not women.
Please understand, this is not a political statement. Nor is it saying that women don’t have the ability to be the leader of their family. Not at all.
In this previous section, we heard a lot about “love.” And women are credited for being much better at it than men. So, why can’t they be the family leader instead of us men?
Many women are considered the leaders of their family. Whether it’s due to no father (or father figure) in the house or an adult male that doesn’t want to lead. And they’ve proven they can do it without a man.
Did you know that women have wanted to rule over their husbands since the beginning of time?
For Eve’s part in the fall of mankind (Genesis 3), God said to her, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.” – Genesis 3:16 (NLT)
Women’s desire to be in control started long before their mother’s mother was born.
Yes, Eve was punished for her role in allowing sin to enter into the world. And even though Eve took the first bite, Adam was held accountable for the fall of mankind (Genesis 3:9). This underscores the leadership role God expects from men.
“But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.” – 1 Corinthians 11:3
Even if your wife is better at it, it’s your responsibility, not hers.
Women are naturally more compassionate than men. And men are naturally better at being the provider and protector. This doesn’t mean that either are absolutes.
God made women with certain abilities that men simply don’t have, naturally. And He made men with certain abilities that women simply don’t have, naturally. Most skills anyone can learn or achieve if they so choose.
Single women will often play the role of compassion giver, provider, and protector. But this is typically out of necessity. We can discuss her need to allow a stable man to take over the role of provider and protector in another article.
We would need a lot more time to discuss the ramifications of those women who say, “I don’t need a man.” I’d just say those women are lost and they’re doing their kids a detrimental disservice.
Related article: How Many Kids Without Parents Become Prisoners?
“Father involvement in a child’s life can significantly impact their mental health and well-being. Research shows that children with stable father figures have better cognitive and socio-emotional outcomes. Father absence is linked to higher rates of depression, suicide, substance abuse, crime, earlier sexual activity, and poor educational outcomes. Adolescents from father-absent homes are 3. 5 times more likely to experience pregnancy than those from father-present homes. The duration of a father’s absence also affects a child’s educational success, with the lowest achievement and highest risk of school failure among adolescents without resident father figures.”
There’s an old saying, “Happy Wife Happy Life.” Have you heard it before? How many of you decided that to make her happy, you would allow her to get her way whenever push came to shove?
In the Old Testament, the Bible recalls a battle between two men. One of the men was a larger-than-life seasoned warrior. He had a reputation for death, and men were terrified of him. The other man was much shorter and most likely still a teenager. He wasn’t a warrior; he was a shepherd.
The story of David and Goliath is so well-known it’s used in everyday life. I’m sure if you ran a web search, you’d find countless examples of David and Goliath-type stories.
Before David went to the battle field to fight Goliath, he met with the King of Israel. His name was Saul. And King Saul was thankful someone was willing to take on Goliath.
Being thankful, King Saul offered young David his personal armor to wear into battle.
When David tried it on, the armor was too big. He knew it would be more of a hindrance than a help. So, he left it behind. The only thing he took into battle was his slingshot and five smooth stones.
The point is that even though King Saul wanted him to wear armor, David knew it was not for him. He would be better without it.
As a shepherd, David was used to warding off wolves, lions, and bears with that slingshot. God was preparing him for such a time as the battle with Goliath.
Even though the armor could have helped protect David, he knew that was not what was best for him.
In the same way, women might want to take responsibility for their family but it’s not what’s best. And it goes against God’s design for marriage.
“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, 23 because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything.” – Ephesians 5:22-24
If your wife is better with budgeting and finances, delegate that to her. Just know, this doesn’t exempt you from the responsibility of it. You should remain involved and aware, ensuring your family’s finances align with God’s principles.
“What if I don’t want to be the leader of my family?”
I’m sure you love your wife. Please remember that love is a choice, not a feeling. You can love your wife without liking her in the moment. And vice versa.
Love is a choice, not a feeling!
To love your wife means to sacrificially put her needs above your own. And I don’t mean giving up golf with your buddies to watch a chick-flick with her. Don’t get me wrong, for some that is a sacrifice. And it will likely give you some brownie points. Perhaps even sex. But that’s not sacrificial love.
You naturally want to protect her. If someone came into your home to do you harm, would you confront them putting yourself between them and your wife? Or would you put your wife in front of you to take care of the bad guy? I sure hope you’d say you would.
That’s what it means to be the leader of your family. You have to make the tough choices. You have to make sacrifices. And you have to provide for and protect them. It’s all in one.
Of course, your wife can help you make the decisions for your marriage and your family. God gave her to you to be your helper not your servant or slave. That’s why in Ephesians 5:21, Paul says to submit to one another.
But being the leader of your family is not an option; it’s a divine mandate. Ignoring this calling can lead to chaos in the home and spiritual stagnation.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. 27 He did this to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. 28 In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” – Ephesians 5:25-28
How can you take back the reins?
For those who want to take back the reins, I’m glad you made the decision to do so. Please understand, it will be difficult if you have a strong-willed woman for a wife. Perhaps you allowed her to be the leader of your family because of her desire to be in control.
Taking back leadership starts with three things. Repentance, humility, and action.
Repentance
Seek God’s guidance through prayer. Ask Him to help you step into your role. And ask Him to soften your wife’s heart because there will be tension between the two of you.
James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.”
God’s wisdom is greater than ours. His ways are greater than ours (Isaiah 55:9). And He designed marriage a specific way for a reason.
Humility
Humility starts with setting the correct posture. First the vertical one between you and God. And then the horizontal with between you and your wife.
After you’ve prayed for God’s help in taking back your mandate as the leader of your family, it’s time to talk with your wife.
During your conversations, explain your desire to lead your family. And discuss how you can work together as a team.
Perhaps you could say something like,
“Honey, I’ve realized I’ve neglected my role as the spiritual leader. I want to change that and lead our family as God commands.”
And as strong as she may be, keep in mind God designed her to be the weaker vessel. In other words, don’t be harsh, condescending, or mean with your words or actions.
“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” – 1 Peter 3:7
She’s your helper. Remind her that her submission to you is out of reverence for God’s design but you’re partners throughout.
Ecclesiastes 4:9 – “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.”
Action
After you’ve repented and asked God to help you take back your role as leader of your family. And after you’ve humbly approached your wife to discuss your individual roles in the family. Then, it’s time to take action.
The longer you’ve each played your previous roles the harder it will be to adjust. To help with this, take small but consistent steps toward your leadership role. Anything done too quickly can be overwhelming.
Allow her to take her supporting role while you take on being the leader of your family God’s called you to be.
Start by leading family prayer time together. Pray for your wife and kids. And pray with them for God to help you lead them in ways that are honoring to Him.
If you don’t attend church regularly, start doing that this week. Find a local body of believers in a church that not only preaches what God’s Word says but also puts it into practice.
Please ask God for discernment when choosing a church. There are many heretics and false churches out there.
Join a local Bible study group. If there isn’t one in your area, consider starting one. The best way to learn something is to teach it to others.
If you’d like some help with this, I wrote this article: How to Conduct a Verse-By-Verse Bible Study
“But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” – Joshua 24:15
“But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”
Taking up the mantle of leadership is challenging but rewarding. It aligns with God’s design and brings peace, stability, and spiritual growth to your family. Step boldly into your role, trusting God to guide you every step of the way.
If you found value in this article, consider reading: Parenting as a Team
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