Choosing a New Path for Your Family
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Has your wife, or mother of your children, ever said that you work too much? As a result, has your marriage and/or relationship with your kids suffered?
Growing up, my father was gone more than he was at home. And not in the normal workday scenario. Rather, he worked three jobs: two full-time and one part-time.
As an adult, he told me he worked three jobs so we could have “nice vacations.” Our vacations were in stark contrast to his vacations as a child. Because he didn’t have any.
He told me he wasn’t sure if the vacations were more for him than for us. They might not have been extravagant. But they were more than he had.
I believe he realized too late that being gone so much was detrimental to his marriage and relationship with his kids.
And there’s more to that story.
Don’t Follow (or Fall For) the “Generational Curse”
Within a few short years after getting married, my wife and I had our first child (Isabela).
At the time, I was working for the railroad. They offered me a promotion that took us to another state. There, we had no family or friends. To top it all off, I worked an hour away from where we could find an affordable home.
This new promotion came with a higher salary and many more working hours. Before accepting it, I wasn’t aware that I’d be required to work 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. And arrive an extra 30 minutes early for the shift change. With the hour drive on either side, I was gone roughly 15 hours a day.
Later, I calculated that if I were an hourly employee, I would’ve been making just over $11 an hour. A lot more stress, hours, and responsibility for a “pay increase” which in actuality was a pay decrease.
There are 24 hours in a day. Being gone for 15 of them didn’t leave much time for anything else. On a typical day, I was home long enough to sleep, take a shower, and eat. That left little or no time for my family.
After a few months of this, plus traveling for training, my wife took me aside one day. She told me that I worked too much, and that Isabela would grow up not knowing who I was.
That stung because it was true. In that respect, I had become like my father.
Your Family Needs YOU Far More Than Anything You Can Buy Them
As I said earlier, because my father worked so much, he was absent for much of my adolescent years.
I’m sure that hurts my father to hear. The truth can hurt, as I too experienced it first-hand.
My father thought by working so much, he was making our lives better than his. But was he? He was working all those hours for something that lasted one week. There are 52 weeks in a year.
We usually had fun on our vacations. Not to mention, we got to spend uninterrupted time with him. For the rest of the year, we mainly saw him on Sundays when we went to church together.
When we’d get home, because he worked so much, he’d often fall asleep on the couch. There were many times he’d turn on football and close his eyes.
After I moved out, I decided that I wouldn’t do that to my family. When my wife told me that I worked too much, I realized that I was doing what my father had done.
I knew then and there that I had to make a change.
Make Your Own Path
Shortly after my wife knocked some reality into me with her words, I decided I wasn’t going to follow the path my father had set for me. I was going to make my own. And you can too.
Many people believe in a generational curse. That somehow, we have to follow the ways (choices) of our parents. I believe we can break the “curse” and choose to make our own paths. Regardless of the environment, we grow up in.
Unfortunately, most people don’t realize that they can choose a different path. Perhaps you’re one of them. But you don’t have to fall prey to the generational curse.
When my father wasn’t working, he was the disciplinarian at home.
For disciplining, he had fashioned a makeshift wooden paddle. I vividly remember one “disciplining” I received. He was furious as he held me upside down by my ankles while disciplining me with the paddle.
Not wanting to get into it any further, suffice it to say it was bad. To this day, I have no idea what I’d done wrong to deserve that.
When our kids were young, my wife and I were trying to decide how we would discipline them. Knowing what I went through, we resolved to use the open hand-to-the-butt approach. It seemed to work, for a while.
“Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.” Proverbs 13:24
While deciding the approach we’d take, we agreed to not spank or discipline them while angry. I’ve given that same advice to others. Just like you shouldn’t make major decisions while you’re upset. In the same way, you shouldn’t punish your children until your mind is calm.
As they grew, we knew that spanking was no longer a good approach for us. So, we moved to taking privileges away. Things like overnights with friends, toys, etc. That seemed to provide the necessary correction.
“Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.” – Proverbs 22:6
In any case, we chose not to take the same approach to disciplining as our parents took with us. Just as I choose not to work multiple jobs. Or any one job, for that matter, that would take me away from my family.
Your family needs you more than they need what you can buy them. If you have to work multiple jobs for a season to catch up, then I say proceed with caution. Before starting, make sure you have a definite end date. And don’t grow to rely on that income.
As the provider and protector, you’re charged with keeping them safe, fed, healthy, and full of love, all with a secure place to call home. Advise and direct them with a biblical perspective. This will help set them up for success as they find their place in the world.
If working long hours or multiple jobs is a result of living beyond your means, then perhaps it’s time to make some lifestyle choices.
Understand something. Your wife and kids aren’t going to reminisce on all the things you bought them. But they will remember you not being there.
“But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” – Joshua 24:15
If you found value in this article, consider reading 5 Steps to a Healthy Resolution After an Argument with Your Wife.
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