What I’ve Learned After 20 Years of Marriage
What I’ve Learned After 20 Years of Marriage
On July 25, 2023, my wife and I will celebrate our 20th year of marriage. It’s strange to think that it’s been twenty years. It’s even stranger to say it out loud.
Since 2003, my hair’s started to turn grey, and my body’s grown a little rounder. A result of age, complacency, and excuses – at least the round part.
My wife is as beautiful, if not more so, than the day we met. She just has that natural beauty about her. Both in her physical appearance and her personality. Whether meeting her for the first time or knowing her your whole life, she makes you feel seen as a person. Meet her once and you’ll walk away edified.
And even though I don’t think I’m as attractive, my wife still tells me that I’m “tall, dark, and handsome.” Her words, not mine. Even after 20 years of marriage, she still makes it a point to let me know that she loves me.
Twenty years is a long time. And let me tell you, it hasn’t been easy. But I believe that our experiences can help teach other couples, in regard to marriage.
Disclosure, I’m not a counselor or therapist. The only experience I have is my own. That being said.
What have I learned over the past 20 years?
- Saying “I Do” is the easy part.
- You have to learn how to disagree in an agreeable way.
- Laughter is the best medicine.
- Put your spouse before your kids.
Well, let’s begin with how my wife and I got our start together.
We got married one week after we met.
Shortly after getting married, we worked at a Mexican restaurant together. I was a bartender, and she was a waitress.
Well, technically we knew each other for two weeks. One week before we met in person, we started talking on the phone.
We’d been on a dating site for singles. She sent me an invite to chat. I was out of state at the time on business.
Seeing the message, I logged into my account. She had only one picture of herself. But it was enough to intrigue me.
I sent her a response and we began chatting through their instant message program. Within a short while, I had asked for her number. I called her as soon as she typed it in.
That was on Sunday evening.
We talked the rest of that night until it was time for bed. It was such a good conversation that I called her again the next morning.
Because we both worked, we scheduled times to talk over lunches and breaks. And then of course in the evenings.
By Wednesday, I decided that I wanted to meet in person when I got back. We decided on dinner Friday night.
When she arrived, I greeted her in the parking lot with a hug and a kiss. It didn’t matter that she was late. She showed up!
We walked into the restaurant hand-in-hand. Since I had already made reservations, it didn’t take long for us to be seated.
It was so fun seeing and talking with her in person. We barely ate any of our food.
When it was time to go, I asked our waitress for two to-go boxes. The moment our waitress walked away, I got down on one knee and asked my soon-to-be wife to marry me.
Some say that I was crazy to ask her on our first date. Our first-day meeting even. But she’d say that she was even crazier because she said yes.
And that’s how we began.
Saying “I Do” is the easy part.
Before you and your spouse got married, you couldn’t stand to be away from each other. You’d spend hours talking and flirting. There wasn’t anything else you wanted more than to be with that person.
You fell in love and eventually got married. And it didn’t take long for that fairytale to turn turbulent. At least, that’s how it happened for us.
Our first fight came not long after we said, “I do.” It was over furniture. We didn’t have a disagreement over what furniture to pick out. It was over the placement of the furniture we already had.
My wife had been living in a shared household, so our furniture was what I brought into the marriage.
She was at work one day, and being so in love, I wanted to surprise my new bride. I’m very good with spatial awareness. I knew what furniture we had. And the layout was very similar to my old apartment.
In my mind, and for the best use of the area (for both space and eye appeal), it made sense to set it up in a similar manner. Making sure to make some noticeable changes so it didn’t look exactly like it had.
When my lovely bride got to our home that night, she wasn’t happy. Okay, she was very upset.
The placement of the furniture made sense to me. But it also didn’t mean more to me than she did.
I told her that she could move the furniture around however she’d like. And she set off to do just that. I offered to help, but she declined.
After at least twenty minutes of moving every piece of furniture around, she had put it back in the exact same order it was in before she began.
It wasn’t that she didn’t like the arrangement. Obviously, because she put it back the same way. She was upset because she wasn’t included in the decision-making process.
What I thought was a nice gesture and would be accommodating, turned out to be our first fight. In my mind, I was acting with compassion, love, and helpfulness. But in her mind, I was being inconsiderate for not including her in the decision.
Throughout the past 20 years, we’ve both been the cause of our disagreements and arguments. Truth be told, I’ve probably been the cause of the majority of them. Due to what I experienced in the Army, I suffered for several years from a deep bout of depression.
During that time, I shut off most of my emotions. It was only meant to be turned off from my job. But they ended up being turned off completely.
Instead of turning to my wife for comfort, I turned elsewhere. It caused more than just a few problems.
I didn’t know how to show or even understand my emotions. And it caused turmoil in our marriage. God is the glue that kept us together.
With God’s help (and help from those God sent to us), we’ve made the choice to love each other. Regardless of what we go through.
Love is not an emotion or feeling, as much as Hollywood movies and catchy songs want us to believe otherwise. Rather, love is a choice. We choose to love.
Emotionally, we might lust after people or things. But that’s not love. Love is a choice to show compassion for someone even (and especially) when you don’t feel like it and they don’t deserve it.
“We love because He (God) first loved us.” – 1 John 4:19
Though it hasn’t been easy, my wife and I can see all we’ve accomplished. By choosing to do it together.
One way you too can do this is by learning how to disagree.
Learn to disagree in an agreeable way.
Disagreements are a part of life. Whenever at least two people get together, they’ll eventually prove that they can’t agree on everything. It’s a matter of learning how to disagree in an agreeable way.
What does that even mean – disagree in an agreeable way?
I don’t mean that you have to agree in the end. Unless the other person persuaded you to their side, you started the disagreement because you don’t agree.
That’s when you might have to compromise. Which is to say that you come to some form of an agreement. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that you like it or even agree with it per se. The agreement is often times more of an acknowledgment than a definitive “yes.”
To disagree in an agreeable way means you don’t let it turn into an argument.
During the disagreement, you remain focused on the topic of discussion. Meaning, don’t start slinging insults or bring things up that have no relevance. That’s when you get into logical fallacies and lose the reason for the disagreement in the first place.
Getting into logical fallacies, slinging insults, or bringing up hurtful things from the past all result in an argument. Keep doing it, and before long you’ll be talking about the big “D” word – and I don’t mean Dallas.
Keep the focus on the initial disagreement. If you can’t learn to disagree in a healthy way, you may need some outside assistance (aka marital counseling).
Things to consider:
- It’s okay to get emotional. Just don’t let those emotions get the best of you.
- Remember why you got married in the first place. Let that help guide you.
- God is the glue that’s helped to keep my wife and me together. He can help you too. Consider reading: How to Witness to Others.
Related article: How to Disagree Without Arguing.
Laughter is the best medicine.
It’s often said that laughter is the best medicine. And in terms of relationships, I think whoever said it is right.
My wife and kids love to hear me laugh. If something’s really funny, I will laugh until I cry. With tears rolling down my face. It’s so funny to them that they’re not laughing at what I’m laughing at. They’re laughing at me laughing.
Of course, I’m never at a loss to tell a dad joke or two. Even if they groan first, they still laugh.
As I mentioned before, there was a time in my life when I couldn’t laugh. Now I revel in the opportunity to do so.
My wife and I (along with our kids) like to laugh. We mainly watch funny movies and YouTube videos. We don’t watch many comedians because most can’t tell a joke without inserting a few curse words in each sentence.
There are some clean comedians we like though. One of our favorites is Tim Hawkins. He’s clean and yet relatable to most people.
We also like to make each other laugh. And that’s really the key. It’s not just about others outside of your relationship that makes you laugh.
When you make each other laugh, it releases those love hormones. You know, the ones you felt when you first met. The ones that made you want to spend every moment with that person.
Laughter with your spouse can be a natural aphrodisiac. This leads me to my next point.
Your spouse must come before your children.
As much as we love our children, we have to remember that our spouse was there before them. Not referring to situations of abuse.
With blended families, this might be a bit harder. But with effort, it can be accomplished just the same. Understand, that your spouse is not replacing your kids. They still need to come first though if you want your relationship to flourish.
When your kids are grown and decide to move out on their own, it will just be the two of you. Will you know what to do then?
If you spend all of your time devoted to your children and neglecting your spouse, you won’t have much of a life once they leave.
That’s probably why so many couples get divorced shortly after becoming empty nesters. They just don’t know what to talk about or how to relate to one another.
Their lives have revolved around their kids for so long, they know nothing else. Are you living for your children rather than for your marriage?
It’s important that you don’t lose sight of that along the way. Every now and then, leave the kids at home and do things with just the two of you.
During your dates, try to stay focused on talking about anything but the kids. It’s okay to deviate every now and then back to them. But don’t let them be the common subject.
Tell your spouse what’s been on your mind. Tell them your dreams and dream together. Remember, this is about the two of you.
As much as I’d like to think she can, my wife can’t read my mind. And she often has to remind me of that.
Your spouse probably can’t read your mind either. So, communicate with each other with love and frequency. Although this is something I still struggle with, even after 20 years of marriage, I choose to keep trying.
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