How to Disagree Without Arguing
Really? Is that even possible? Can two or more people disagree without getting upset? Well, in this article I’d like to address exactly how to do that.
Before I begin, let me make it known that I’m not a doctor, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or a life coach. I’m just someone who has a nasty habit of having a strong stance on what I believe. And that often leads to disagreements with someone of alternate beliefs.
Nonetheless, when disagreeing with someone else, it doesn’t have to be an argument. It becomes an argument when either party makes it personal. Once hurtful feelings get involved, the automatic result is pain. Anger is often a result of pain.
Now that that’s out of the way, are you ready? Okay, let’s get into this.
All parties must be respectful
When you disagree with someone else, you need to realize that you’re both humans. As humans, we each have our own opinions and beliefs. Those opinions and beliefs may very well be opposites. Meaning, that no matter what either of you says, you’ll probably never agree on certain things.
And that’s okay not to agree. “Agree to disagree.” Unfortunately, if there are enough things that you disagree about, eventually you’ll just stop talking about those things (or at all).
Of course, Psychology Today says that the right type of arguing is necessary. In the article, “The Proper Way to Argue” the writer says, “It is inevitable… [we all] argue from time to time.” The article goes on to provide seven Bad Ways of Arguing. The majority refers to attempts to attack or control the other person.
Attacking the other person, or attempting to control them, lends credence to my opening paragraph. Once hurtful feelings get involved, the automatic result is pain. Anger is often a result of pain.
At the same time, Parents-Teachers agree that disagreements can be fruitful. In their article, “Disagreements with Parents Can Be Fruitful, Arguments Not So Much,” they explain how disagreeing is not necessarily a bad thing. It further clarifies it by saying, “provided both parties stay on topic.” Rather, to use the disagreement as an opportunity to explore relevant issues.
An article by Inc. suggests that a disagreement without arguing can be accomplished by listening. It says that you should, “[spend] the time to listen to whatever the other person has to say.”
It can be construed that their recommendation had been taken directly from the Bible. In James 1:19, the writer (James) says that everyone should, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” As you can see, the Inc. article agrees with James that we should listen first.
Don’t use ad hominems
Before I continue, let me explain what ad hominems are. Even though it’s more about opinion than fact, I love the way one of the contributors to the Urban Dictionary defines it. “An attack upon an opponent in order to discredit their argument or opinion. Ad hominems are used by immature and/or unintelligent people because they are unable to counter their opponent using logic and intelligence.”
An ad hominem fallacy is an attack against the individual rather than their position or argument. The person who uses them simply cannot intellectually defend their position. This is seen quite often in the political realm. Politicians will often attack each other rather than their positions. They come off as being incapable of dissecting and disqualifying the position of the other person. Or simply put, they’re immature and/or unintelligent.
Someone who uses ad hominems is showing that they’re incapable of defending their position. Or countering that of the other person. When you do this, the other person will automatically take offense to it. After all, you’re attacking them not what they’re saying.
Rather than use ad hominems, stay focused on the topic of disagreement. Leave the other person’s faults out of it. Remember, when you point your finger at someone else, you have three pointed back at you.
Acknowledge the other person’s point of view
When you remain focused on the topic of disagreement, you can then focus on the other person’s point of view. By remaining focused on that, you can help avoid personal attacks. Keeping in mind, you can’t control what another person does or says. But you can control yourself and your responses.
In the Psychology Today article, “3 Ways to Speak Up Without Starting a Fight” we need to first assume that the other person is not going to respond negatively. Rather, change your thinking to “anticipate a positive outcome.”
Just because two people don’t agree on something, doesn’t mean that either person is being negative or intentionally mean. Having a difference of opinion can be a good thing. It produces conversation and growth. What if we all had the same opinion? Would there ever be any growth? NO! Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” It can be inferred that friction is required. Differing opinions, experiences, and education/knowledge allow us to learn from and teach each other.
We grow emotionally and intellectually when we learn to respect the views of others.
Refrain from saying “you”
Just like not using ad hominems, it’s important to not use “you” in your language. As in, “You started it,” “I can’t believe you,” “You don’t care,” “I said that because you…,” and so on.
Anytime we use the word “you” in an argument, it could be interpreted as an attack. Even if we meant it most innocently and respectfully. Of course, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say things like, “I understand what you’re saying,” “You’re right,” “You mean a lot to me,” and so on. Just make sure it’s sincere and you don’t use the word “but” after it.
“You” can be a very powerful word. When someone says it to us, several emotions begin to take hold. According to the article “Communication: ‘You’ vs ‘I’ Statements” by Inner Space, “you-statements evoked greater anger and a greater inclination for antagonistic response.”
As you-statements can be interpreted as attacks, I-statements can be seen as taking ownership/responsibility.
Have you ever felt offended by the actions or words of your significant other? Did you want nothing more than for them to say, “I’m sorry”? Why is that? Because you wanted them to acknowledge what they did. And, in your eyes, what they did was wrong.
Of course, if they responded with, “I’m sorry, but I did/said that because you…” they’re not taking ownership of their actions or words. Adding the “but” negates everything that came before it. On the other hand, if they simply stop after saying, “I’m sorry for…” all can be well again. Or at least on the path to reconciliation.
All too often, disagreements and arguments are started because of a difference of opinion. Remember, we all have opinions. Others might share them while some will not. Just because someone doesn’t agree with our opinion(s) doesn’t mean they’re wrong and we’re right. It’s an opinion and everyone has them.
When we learn to respect each other, refrain from personal attacks, acknowledge the other person’s point of view, and learn to take ownership of our actions, we can keep disagreements from turning into arguments.
About The Author
