Biblical Roles in Marriage
Not long ago, the Place Kicker for the Kansas City Chiefs (a professional football team) got into hot water. It wasn’t because he assaulted his girlfriend/wife. He wasn’t pulled over for drinking and driving. Or convicted of any illegal activity that some NFL players do in the offseason.
Rather, the young man gave a commencement speech at a Catholic college. During which, he praised his wife for her role as wife, mother, and homemaker. He was subsequently chastised for it. Although I disagree with his Catholic theology, I agree that God designed men and women for their unique roles in the family and society.
In this article, we’ll look at how God designed men and women for marriage.
Mutual Submission – Honoring Each Other in Marriage
I’ve heard that there are women who get physically and verbally nauseated when they hear that a woman should submit to her husband.
When the Bible says that a woman should submit to her husband, that doesn’t mean she’s to become his property (metaphorically or otherwise).
“And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
“22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.
“25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.” – Ephesians 5:21-28
The Bible lays out that the woman is to submit to her husband in headship. What is headship? Paul explains it in 1 Corinthians as follows.
“But there is one thing I want you to know: The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” – 1 Corinthians 11:3
When couples choose to submit to one another, it means putting the other’s needs above their own. Please don’t misunderstand me. There’s a reason why the flight attendants say to put on your mask first (in case of an emergency).
As the husband, you are to sacrificially love and protect your wife (and kids). But what does that look like?
Loving and Leading Your Wife
“So again, I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” – Ephesians 5:33
Most people get love and lust confused with one another. Early in your relationship, when you saw your future wife, heard her voice or even the mere thought of her made your heart race. Perhaps, you got “butterflies in your stomach” when she was around.
Whatever you felt they were merely feelings. Just as anger, sadness, excitement, and any other emotion is a feeling. Love is a choice.
Ephesians 5 tells a man to love his wife. Not get emotionally or physically excited to see her. Rather than make a conscious decision to love her. Regardless of the circumstances experienced throughout life.
This goes beyond being willing to sacrifice your life for hers. When your wife is having an emotional breakdown, you are to be the rock she can lean on.
Perhaps you want to go play golf with the guys, but she really needs your help. Reschedule that tee time for another day.
If it becomes habitual, when every time you want to play golf she’s demanding your presence, perhaps it’s time to have a conversation around your needs too. Marriage, just like any relationship, requires consideration and concession.
Just as you’re commanded to love your wife, you must honor and lead her too.
“In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.” – 1 Peter 3:7
Jesus tells a parable in John 10, which husbands and fathers can use.
“But he who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. 3 To him the doorkeeper opens, and the sheep hear his voice; and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4 And when he brings out his own sheep, he goes before them; and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice.” – John 10:2-4
Your wife and kids will follow if you take care of and treat them right.
And wives, you are to respect your husband.
Respecting Your Husband
“So again, I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” – Ephesians 5:33
Why do you think the Bible tells a woman to “respect” her husband? It’s for the same reason it says for a man to “love” his wife.
Men naturally respect others. Whether it’s shaking hands (a sign indicating you don’t have anything to harm the other individual), being on time (respecting their time), or other ways where respect is naturally afforded.
In the same way, as emotional beings, women naturally love others. They hurt when others hurt. They show great compassion for others (especially loved ones). And they are the ones their kids will naturally go to first.
In Ephesians 5, Paul is giving the command (from Jesus) that men and women are to do something for their spouse that doesn’t come naturally.
A woman will naturally love her husband. But sometimes, what he needs is her respect. Likewise, a man will naturally respect his wife. However, more often than not, she’s seeking his love.
Women, just as you need your husband to love you, he needs you to respect him.
There will be times when he wants to go out with his friends. Perhaps he scheduled a golf outing with his buddies one Saturday morning. And you want to do some “Spring cleaning.”
If he had planned this, let you know ahead of time, and if you agreed to it, then I’d say the cleaning can get started without him. But this is an agreement and conversation you need to have together.
This is part of those considerations and concessions mentioned earlier.
Just remember, he needs time away too. Three hours with his buddies on the golf course will allow him to unwind and return refreshed.
“These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, 5 to live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God.” – Titus 2:4-5
Servant and Sacrificial Leadership
“For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus, 6 who gave Himself a ransom for all, to be testified in due time.” – 1 Timothy 2:5-6
“[Jesus] is the sacrifice that atones for our sins—and not only our sins but the sins of all the world.” – 1 John 2:2
When trying to understand what a biblical marriage looks like, we should start at the top with the head of the church. With Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.
Scripture teaches that Jesus gave His life for anyone who believes in Him (John 3:16). And believing in Him allows us to have eternal life (John 11:25-26).
Have you ever heard the saying, “No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care”? To lead others, you must first be a servant to them. Jesus explained it this way to His disciples.
“But Jesus called them together and said, ‘You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and officials flaunt their authority over those under them. 26 But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever wants to be first among you must become your slave. 28 For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.’” – Matthew 20:25-28
To lead others, you must first humble yourself. This is true whether it’s in business, friendships, or family. Sometimes, it’s better to give up something you “love” to please who you love.
If you found value in this, consider reading Priorities For a Successful Christian Marriage.
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